Day 2 in the tent

I like to camp. I get all into the planning and the prep. Sorting and packing and writing lists. I love the drive there. The quiet calm of the great outdoors! I love the campfire and the smores! I love seeing my kids dirty little hands and faces all happy and content with their day in the sun and fresh air. The part I could do without, the part I like to avoid, the part that makes me long for home.... The crawling into the tent... late sometime in the night - hoping I don't trip on the doorway zipper thing... in the cold... on the ground... in the dark - and trying to fall asleep NOT in my warm familiar bed at home. I know all along what the hardest part will be for me and I set out anyway to camp with my family because I know that in a few days we will pack up and drive home. Good times will be had and wonderful memories will be made. Lessons, I'm sure, will have been learned about nature and life and moments WILL be made that will impact us forever. There is something about being in a different place, totally out of our element, that makes these moments different. Harder to do the everyday things of life, but worth the struggle to do them. Harder to manage time because life pulls me in a different way out there. I'm not used to being there.  Harder to fall asleep at night, but worth the pain of sleeping on the floor of the tent.

I'm seeking this now. Well, not the actual floor of the tent thing, but in my new tent I am building. I want to find that moment that I let go of the fear of "sleeping on the tent floor". It's as if I have been standing outside of the campground staring at the tent and it's getting later. Dusk is fading into full on black sky. All things close by are still and calm yet you know that just over the hill there is a city bursting with life into the night.  The site next to me has been tucked away for an hour and I can hear the peaceful sounds of rest leaving the roof of their tent and heading towards the stars. I am looking for this. I AM looking for peace in my tent. But I know I need to find something else first. As I stand there thinking about going in but halfway thinking about maybe sleeping in the car with the radio on...  I hear something happy. I can look across the way and see my friends shadows through their tents.. They have a light in their tent. And the pictures dancing in front of me are that of joy and love and understanding. They move freely in and out of the tent and help each other with that tricky door. Have they crawled into their tent to find a party waiting there? What is the key to the happiness on the floor of this tent? Could it be the simple switching on of a light.

As I lift my hands to my head to think, I realize I'm holding something. In my hand, my very own flashlight. It's small but I think it's got new batteries. How long have I been holding onto it... Should I go in. I'm not sure my light would be strong enough. All the other tents with lights on are so bright. How could I? What will they think? What if they see my tiny light? What if I stand out and feel alone? Or what if, when I open the door and step in (still I might trip - I'm a clumsy) I find a bigger light inside, waiting for me....